The People Under the Stairmasters

Workout Help...

2007-12-15T13:56:00.000-05:00

Gee, we have become a quiet lot, haven't we? I am in the last of a 3 month self-imposed break from working with my trainer. We BOTH have goals we have to achieve before we allow ourselved to work together. And right now I need help.

I have determined that I am completely uncreative when it comes to "designing" workout sessions for me. So, here's my thought: I'll share one of my fave workouts with you and then you share a workout. We should all get something new to think about just in time for shaking things up after the holidays.

Deal? Deal!

My workouts are typically built on a stable/unstable super-set idea. I try to move to more unstable elements all the time. Adjust for your ability. Unstable will work more muscle groups, constantly challenging those core muscles.

Arms/Shoulders

#1. 30 minutes of cardio.

#2. Assisted Dip. 3 sets of 15 dips where I'm lifting about 20-30# of my body weight. This is t0 warm up the arms/shoulders. Perfectly stable.

#3. Flat Bench Press, alternating 1 and 2 arms with hand weights. Get one of the flat benches and whatever appropriate weights. Push both weights overhead. Lower both arms 6 times through the set, lower one arm while keeping the other strong overhead 7x for each arm. Try not to do in a predictable manner. It helps to have someone else tap the shoulder of the arm(s) you're working. Make sure to hold core stable or you will fall off the bench!

#4. Paired with #3. Flat Bench Press on Ball (8-10# hand weights). Sit and ball and roll down so that only your head, neck and top of shoulders are supported. Knees are bent, hips up so that body is perpendicular at knee and parellel to floor. Standard bench press technique, 20 reps. The weights should come down slightly wider and not as low because you're on the ball.

#5. One arm standing rows at cable station. Cable placed at waist height. Knees bent, "free" arm out from bodyfor balance, core engaged, neck straight. This can be done with 2 feet flat on floor or with one foot down (opposite of arm). Adjust weight about 10# lower if you're going for the 1 foot. 15 reps each arm at 3 sets.

#6 Paired with #5. Bicep curls on ball. (10-12# hand weights). Sit up straight on ball, lower weights to just below parallel to ground (keep bicep tendon inside elbow engaged). Curl both arms up to point of full muscle engagement (not beyond). Twenty reps for 3 sets.

#7 Lat Pull Downs. Grasp Lap Pull Down bar near center, palms facing face, spine tucked under slightly, shoulders back. Pull down to top of ribcage (just below collarbone), and slowly release bar upward.

#8. Paired with #7. Tricep Push Downs, one foot. Using the lightest weight, stand facing the machine. Start with bar at waist, balanced on one foot, core is engaged. Push bar down and slowly release back up. Ten reps, then switch foot. Concentrate on maintaining a straight posture throughout.

There ya go! Just about an hour of arm/shoulder greatness!! Now how about a great leg workout, or a back/abs routine... something that will keep me going until Guido and I both meet our goals for working out together again!

Elimination Communication at the Y

2007-08-29T12:39:00.000-05:00

This evening I headed out to the gym with the plan that afterwards I would come home and do a blog post about the Elimination Communication aka Diaper Free Movement. After warming up, I headed over to the free weight area and began my routine. Let me state for the record that the free weight area tends to smell completely disgusting in the evening (as opposed to the rest of the day when it smells like a bouquet of roses). However, when I walked by a trainer and a young teenager (maybe 12 or 13) to grab a free weight, I got a distinct whiff of diarheaa. I tried not to gag. I instinctively looked around. No one seemed to be writhing with cramps. I chucked it up to either a toxic gas leak or a...personal gas leak.

A minute or two later the boy began to do some leg squats right by me. I was hunched over doing rows. As I looked up I saw that there was definitely some Elimination Communication going on in or perhaps coming from his pants. I immediately had a flashback to a conversation with Suzanne while we were at the Jersey Shore about Alli, the weight loss pill and anal leakage. (To the best of my knowledge, no one at the Jersey Shore with us suffered from anal leakage.) A second squat from this boy confirmed it. He then proceeded to sit on a bench that I had been planning on using.

Honestly, I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. This boy looked like he was struggling with his weight. He was meeting with a personal trainer and really focusing on what he was saying. If I went over there and said something to him or to his trainer in his presence there is no way he would ever come back again. I would probably send him into therapy for the next 30 years. On the other hand, I couldn't let him just walk around like that. First of all, some of the guys in the weight area were already noticing the smell and murmuring about it. As a mom, my heart would break if my sons were in that situation. I just felt so bad for him. Second, it's just not sanitary.

I looked around and saw a woman who I thought might be his mom working out on a treadmill. I thought I had seen him talking to her when I first came into the fitness area, but I wasn't sure. Then I remembered that had been a staff member sitting behind the desk when I came in. I went over there to tell her about the situation so she could discretely deal with it. Unfortunately, she was completely gone (just like my workout). I saw the boy dart off (I was hoping to change his clothes) so I went over to the personal trainer and told him what I had seen. He seemed completely surprised. He told me that he would take care of it.

The boy came back, and I saw the trainer talk with him. Then his mom came over (or at least the lady who I thought was him mom.) The trainer walked away. I made a note just to skip the questionable bench for the day. I finally finished my workout and headed out towards the locker room. As I passed the stretching area though, I saw the kid in the same clothes on a mat.

I really don't know what to make of it. I guess it's possible that the clothes had an old stain, but seriously if you had a stain like that why would you wear the shorts again? Plus it doesn't explain the smell. I initially wondered if he really was taking something like Alli. Then I thought there was no way a child of his age could be on such a drug. But kids inhale fumes and computer air sprays, so if one was struggling with his weight, I don't think use of an over-the-counter medicine to help with weight loss would be too surprising. He could have also had a medical condition. I'm guessing the kid was just really embarrassed and denied it; it's not like the trainer was going to check. Now I'm not sure I did the right thing. Maybe I should have just gone straight to the mom. I know one thing for sure: if anyone ever sees me like that, please tell me!

to gym or not to gym?

2007-08-10T12:29:00.000-05:00

When my gym opened up 8 months ago, I was the happiest monkey around. It was right at the point where I transferred trains coming home from work. In fact, I had often said, "I wish there was a gym right here. That would be so easy for me." And then there was a gym right there. And there was much rejoicing. (yay!)

I took advantage of it. I went 3 times a week. I would bring my gym bag to work with me, then stop off quickly and easily on the way home, and still be home in time for dinner.

But then I quit my job. Now the gym is not so convenient for me, because even though I sit at home alone all day, I'd have to make a special trip out there. Lately it's been too hot to leave the house and go work out. Today it's hot AND raining. Since the gym is no longer on my way anywhere, I've simply stopped going. I feel bad because I love the gym, and I should keep working out, but the motivation is no longer there. If it was closer to my house, I would be there in a minute. But I just can't face the 20-minute train ride, plus the walking time required to get there.

Am I a bad person?

Swimming

2007-08-02T18:35:00.000-05:00

I just have to say that you swimming bitches are hardcore. I consider myself pretty fit, and I can do all kinds of athletic-y things, like hiking Vernal Falls at Yosemite, but I decided to try swimming today. Holy cow!

I was winded after one length, and pretty much had to stop and catch my breath every length thereafter. Ultimately, I ended up going 1/4 mile. Normally I go 16 miles on the bike. I realize you're using more of your body when swimming, but... wow.

Fan etiquette and escape artists

2007-07-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

Wow, I haven't posted on here in a long time! I've been going to the gym, but mostly for yoga (and there's only so much you can say about yoga) or a run-in-and-hit-the-bike-and-get-out trip. I'm temporarily banned from my upper body free weights (neck weirdness) and don't do leg workouts anyway, since I get enough of that at ballet. This story is already too long!

Tonight I got to the gym and it was STIFLING inside. I know they have an air conditioner, so I don't know what the problem was. It was probably in the 90s inside. I went over to the bikes and two in the cluster of three were taken. I usually grab myself a fan (and why are all the fans always in the treadmill area, anyway? What makes treadmill people so worthy of fans?), but I figured that it might be rude to disturb their climate. I actually asked once, in that same situation, if anyone minded if I brought a fan over, and a gruff old man said yes, he did mind, and then he muttered at length about these people who need to be cool while working out. Um, hi? I'm still here.

Here's my question: What the fuck? I mean, being hot or cold doesn't have much of an impact on the workout you get, so why not be comfortable? I'd be really delighted if it was around 78 in there. Am I crazy?

On escape artists, tonight, I witnessed my second little kid running out of the locker room while his mom was butt-ass naked. You see the look of horror on the mom's face, then "James. James!!" I nabbed him this time, but kids are such opportunists! I'm going to have to remember that someday.

Can You Believe This Lady?

2007-07-03T21:49:00.000-05:00

We unexpectedly have an almost completely free week. My older son (OS) is on vacation from camp. Of course I forgot about this "vacation" until the end of last week. I rescued my kids from boredom today by suggesting that they play in the Y childwatch while I worked out in the fitness room. I realize that doesn't sound like a good deal for the boys, but they actually really like going there.

I dropped OS off at the 3 year old room at the childwatch first. It was a full house. This woman was there dropping off her son. The boy looked mad. He clearly did not want to be there. The mom was not at all sympathetic. She handed him a name tag sticker which the boy proceeded to somehow wrap around one of the drawer handles. He got upset and asked for another one. Instead of complying with this simple request, she pulled the somewhat crumpled sticker off the drawer and stuck it on his shirt. The kid protested. Instead of giving him a hug and telling him it would be okay, she picked him up and put him over the gate at the entrance to the childwatch playarea. She then gave the staff his sippy cup and told him that she would see him later. At least she wished him a nice time. I just couldn't believe my eyes. I don't think the other moms there could either. The kid decided to stage a sit-in to protest being there. One of his friends joined him.

I was really hoping that this woman wouldn't be there when I went to pick OS up from the childwatch. I mean really, where did she learn how to parent? Of course, as luck would have it, she walked in just as I did. Her son was really happy and having a great time playing. He excitedly told her about all the toys he had played with and the kids that played with him. The staff members confirmed this. When she said something about being an unsympathetic mother, she was told that what she did was great; actually being too sympathetic could have made the separation a lot worse. Really?! I thought to myself, surely there is going to be a blog post about this horrible mother, even if I needed to write it myself. And I have. I should also add that this unsympathetic mom was me.

Good Judgment and Personal Training

2007-07-01T18:14:00.000-05:00

I intended to cross-post this when I put it on Formula Fed and Flexible Parenting almost a month ago. Normally The People Under the Stairmasters are the ones watching the behaviors of others in the gym. This time, my husband, the Big Giraffe, was apparently trying to keep an eye on me.

I was very surprised to receive the following question from the Big Giraffe over email: "I am curious. If you happened to consider a guy very good looking, really liked him, and were discussing that guy and those perceptions of him in an email to a female friend, would you consider it good judgment to forward that email to me?"

What on earth could have caused him to ask that question?

After being inspired by two of my friends' successes with meeting with a personal trainer, I decided to sign up for the 5 session package that was on sale at the Y in honor of Mothers and Fathers Days. I thought it would be great to learn some new approaches to fitness. I decided to go with my friend Kate's personal trainer because he sounded like a good fit for me. I was told that a lot of his exercises involve using your own body weight. I exchanged emails with "John" and arranged to meet him on Friday evening. I had no idea what he looked like but my friend had told me he was very good looking. (That was not a factor in me choosing him.)

Friday came, and I met John. He was indeed very good looking. I then explained to him how I wanted to get rid of my "upper gut". He wrote a fantastic workout for me. I felt great when I left and good yesterday and today. I even repeated the workout today. Within the last couple of days, I had emailed Kate about something else. In that email I mentioned that I had met with John, that he was good looking, and that I liked working with him. Her reply was not relevant to the subject of personal training, but it did include some comments that I thought would be of interest to the Big Giraffe. I therefore forwarded her reply email to him, forgetting that the email history was included. Hence, his reply. So what is my answer to his question? I do not think it was poor judgment to have forwarded that email. Our marriage is secure enough for the Big Giraffe to be able to handle me finding someone else physically attractive. No Big Giraffe, it doesn't work the other way!

Cheerleader Ninjas in the Weight Room

2007-06-29T08:38:00.001-05:00

You must read this hilarious description of Ev's latest gym adventure:
I May Not Be Much Yet...

It's so good, you'll develop strong abs from laughing so much.

Reader Contribution.

2007-06-10T20:59:00.000-05:00

Here's a reader contribution from Jessie. I was horrified for her when I read this.

I havent been to the gym in quite some time, as I just let my membership expire after the terrible experiences that I encountered while going there. As much as I attribute my excellent labor and recovery with my second son to all of those laps around the pool, Ive just been too scared to go back.

The first thing that I noticed when I first joined was this couple who never left the spa. They were in their 40's, they were neither fit nor fat, but they never actually worked out. As the spa at my gym was somewhat of a social gathering, they would often get into conversations with whoever was in there with them that day. Fairly normal, maybe they were just "spa rats," right? I can respect that, but there was something odd about this pair. You see, every few minutes, mid conversation, the man would turn to the woman and sing to her. Not just a few bars, but an entire song...slowly. And as he would sing to her, she would gaaaaaaze lovingly into his eyes. Right when people were having a relevant conversation!
"Yeah, gas prices are really high, someone ought to do something about it."
"Oh yes, I agree. My first, my last, my everythiiiiing!"

And it wasnt that he was bad, its that he wasnt very good. It would happen three or four times durring the hour that I would spend in the pool, and everyone in the spa just looked at each other and wait until he was finished to continue speaking. It wasnt that scary, but it was odd.

The time that I got scared was when I was sharing a lane with some man. I was six or seven months pregnant at the time, and he noticed it. He stopped me when I was using my kick board and asked me if I knew what the baby was, and all of that seemingly normal stuff. Then he asked me if I was going to deliver vaginally. I told him to mind his own business and I swam to another lane, but it didnt stop him!

"I was just wondering, because I learned the other day that sometimes women deliver vaginally with their legs up in stirrups," and he proceeded to lean back into the water and put his legs up in imaginary stirrups.

"But sometimes," he continued, "ladies will push the baby out doggy style."

So then he pushed his imaginary baby out doggy style, holding onto the side of the pool for leverage. I decided to cut it short that day and I went into the locker room, only to remember that my friend had my locker key, and she was out in the gigantic gym somewhere, so I had to sit and wait for her to finish working out, all wet in my bathing suit.

After that, I decided to start going to the gym at night. That couple in the spa was still there, they were always there, but on this particular night that I went, some huge family used up all of their guest passes to get 20 rude teenagers into the pool for a party. Annoyed by them swimming across my lane to play Marco Polo, I went inside to ride the bikes. While I was in there, some woman next to me was on her cell phone talking about kegal (sp) exercises for a good 20 minutes, so I just decided to go. When I got to my car, a gym employee was sweeping up shattered glass, as all three of the cars that I was parked by (including the one in front of me in the next row) had their windows broken. I decided that my gym was in a really bad area, so I didnt renew my membership.

There arent any big gyms around here, so I tried to join up with a small one, and the lady would either stare at me, or get on the machines and try to go faster and do better than me. I guess Im not a gym person.

File Under: What the Fuck are They Thinking?

2007-06-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

(I worry that there are too many things filed in that category, by the way.)

Yesterday I was at the YMCA getting in a little cardio on the ellipticals. These machines are all the way at the end of the room, up against a glass wall that overlooks the pool. Half the length of the glass wall is taken up by the ellipticals, and the other half of the glass wall has stacks of free weights against it. In walks a woman, probably in her mid-forties, with four plastic Target bags bulging with stuff. She walks over to the free weight stacks and wedges her bags in the seven inch space between the weights and the glass. She is dressed in a denim skirt, a fitted lavender tee-shirt, and bright green crocs. (As an aside, can I just say that I don't think I've ever hated a shoe with so much passion as I hate crocs. Except maybe Ugg boots.) Her hair is done in some kind of poofy do, held back from her face with fancy little clips. Honestly, she looks like she just came from lunch at the mall. She then proceeds to get a pair of weight lifting gloves (the kind with the fingers cut off) and a lifting belt out of one of her Target bags. She dons said attire over her mall outfit and begins lifting weights.

Sometimes, I wish I had mind reading abilities.

Laughing All The Way...

2007-06-07T21:40:00.000-05:00

Thursday was the last workout with my trainer, Guido, before my two week cruise. I don't know if the anticipated absence was the reason, or if was just the mood we were both in, but we laughed our way through this entire workout. It was a great way to finish up.

It started as soon as we began talking.

I joked that Roger Clements has a "tired groin" because scar tissue from an earlier injury is starting to break up. Scar tissue from my foot surgery last January is breaking up, too, so I wanted to whine that I shouldn't have to do some exercises because I have a "tired toe." Yeah, that didn't get me as far as it's getting Roger.

I whined. I still had to do the moves.

We went on to come up with new nickname for me: The Debinator. I like it as much as a name the kids gave me when I was a substitute teacher: Robywan Kanobi.

The laughs continued through funny stories about earlier workout session: the Jim Brown story while we did wall squats; the time I threw I threw a minor fit about an exercise; the time I almost fainted.

I breathe poorly while working out, almost holding my breath at times. Not a good thing. Guido can spend a third of my workout telling me to breathe (breathe in, Deb. Now breathe out. And breathe in..) I was doing lunges across the basketball floor (holding my breathe), turned to start back when it became either time to stop and catch my breath or time to faint. I stopped.

"We quit the lunges and went on to something else at that point then, right?" Guido asked.

I gave him "that" look. "No. We're talking you in trainer mode. You let me rest for 30 seconds then told me I still owed you eight lunges."

He couldn't believe that 1)he made me continue and that 2) I did.

Well, yes, he could. That the relationship we have. He pushes me a lot further than I'd ever push myself. And afterward he marvels that I do it all (with a minimum of whining). We always surprise each other.

While we did the body composition measures at the end, he asked me for details about my trip. I told him we were flying into Istanbul and staying at a hotel with a view of the Bosphorus Straits.

"That sounds beautiful, Deb."...

"Um, Guido, you haven't the faintest idea what the Bosphorus is, do you?"

"Nope. Not a clue! But it does sound beautiful!!"

Yes, a geography lesson followed. I earned that Robywan name long ago for a reason!

Mr. Sweaty Guy

2007-06-07T07:48:00.000-05:00

One bike was already being used, but all the others were free. I went to my normal one, but it was very wobbly so I didn't feel like wrestling with it and went to the next one, which was beside the one in use. I figured that guy had to be almost done anyway, because he was there since I entered the gym about 1/2 hour ago.

I start my workout, blasting my ipod and watching the news without sound. (I saw that Pope video like 18 times.) I notice that I'm being sprayed. I look up, and the guy next to me, Mr. Sweaty Guy, is quite literally pouring sweat, and some of it is splashing me. I wipe myself off with my towel and adjust myself as best I can to minimize being covered in Other People's Sweat.

For several more minutes, that goes on. Finally Mr. Sweaty Guy leaves, and 2 things happen:
I get blasted by the air conditioner, which he had apparently been blocking from me completely. It was a relief of cool air for me, but how was he sweating that much with that cold air directly on him? Then I notice that he did not return with a paper towel and cleaning solution (provided just a few short feet away) to wipe down his sweat-mobile. There were puddles of sweat on the seat, handlebars, and the floor around. I swear ducks were swimming there.

Gross gross gross.

The Belly Dancer

2007-05-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

She steps onto the elliptical machine, placing her hands on top of the handles, palms down, and starts to wiggle.

Moving slowly and deliberately, her shoulders make a gentle figure eight: left shoulder Forward. Out. Back. In. The right shoulder moving in a mirror image: Back. In. Forward. Out.

Her hips move in a similar fashion: left hip Back. In. Forward. Out. Again her right hip makes the mirror image.

While the rest of us stand perpendicular to the machine and work to keep our bodies aligned as we move faster along, she gyrates her way through a workout that can best be seen as a warm up to a day of belly-dancing. Slow. Deliberate. Undulating.

It hurts to watch her move, but I just can't stop looking.

Grunt

2007-05-24T01:49:00.000-05:00

Not much has been going on at my gym lately. Maybe this is because I have not been going as often as I used to, which explains my current state of flabbiness. (And I did not say "fatness," which is different from being a little loose.) Anyway, when I have gone to the gym, I have noticed that the ratio of grunters to those of us who manage to work out silently has shifted dramatically. Really, if you are practically screaming from the effort of lifting a weight, it is probably too heavy for you. Why I know this and the grunters don't is beyond me. Then again, they tend to not be flabby, either. I'll take some jiggle and increasingly wide hips over the chance that I might rip my arms out of my sockets from lifting heavy weights. I think I would look very bad with no arms.

Speaking of ripping arms out of sockets, the best upper body workout I've had this year came from carrying my fat pet rabbit about a mile from the vet back to my apartment. I really did think that they might be pulled free from my body. The next morning, my biceps and shoulders were mad sore. However, I did not grunt once from the effort or the subsequent pain.

black lacy thong

2007-05-23T09:10:00.000-05:00

All during my cardio workout, I was behind this girl. She had an 80s-style cut tank top over her sports bra, and some butt-ass pants that were so tight, I could see every detail of her intricately laced black thong panties. I would use the cliche of being able to read her credit card numbers, but her pants were so tight that there is no way a flat square credit card would even fit in there against her butt. She was using the elliptical, which I have no problem with, but she was using it such a way to accentuate the sensual movements of her butt. And it was all for naught, because nobody even looked at her except for me. And I was forced to, because I was sitting on the bike directly behind her machine.

********************

When I was done with my workout, I washed my face in the sink of the locker room. The girls in there stared at me like I was crazy. But then someone else came in and washed her face. Now who's crazy?

She's One of Us: Because it Feels Good to Beat the Crap Out of Something

2007-05-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

My former blog exchange partner, Kim, wrote a great post a while ago on her blog In Full Bloom about some of the oddities she has seen in her own workout experiences. She is a keen observer and a great writer, and this is a really enjoyable post that I have meant to link to for a while. I highly recommend it.

So without further ado, presenting Because it Feels Good to Beat the Crap Out of Something.

conver-tetion

2007-05-03T08:45:00.000-05:00

I went to Old Navy yesterday to replenish my workout clothes supply. (I think we have laundry gremlins.) The person ringing me up said "I take it you go to the gym." Looking at my 2 sports bras, yoga pants (that aren't for yoga), 4 tank tops, and pack of sport socks, I laughed and said "How'd you guess."

We then got into a mostly-one-sided conversation that was essentially about who's gym was better, who paid less, who took better classes (her, because I don't take classes), who needs to go more, who used to go more, etc. Everything I would say, she would one-up me. But then try to humble herself by saying "I really need to go to the gym more, but my work schedule is so crazy." I could have been drawn in and said "Well I work 8-5 on weekdays, so I know exactly when I'm going to the gym" but she kept talking about how great she was, so I paid for my things and left.

I think I lost the First Annual Old Navy Shopping For Gym Clothes While Bragging Competition.

Guest Blogger!

2007-04-27T16:42:00.000-05:00

There is a woman who always shows up to my hour-long water aerobics class about 20 minutes late.

She gets in the pool, finds one of her two friends who are in the class, and proceeds to talk. And talk. And talk. The whole time she is standing in one place and maybe moving her feet or arms a little. But she never stops talking.

I am fascinated by her. For one, I can't figure out how anyone talks for 40 minutes non-stop. For another, she is in pretty good shape. How that happens, I don't know. Maybe she never has time to eat because she talks so much.

******

Suebob

non-gym people

2007-04-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

"Have you lost weight?" One of my coworkers asked recently. "Well I've been going to the gym..." I replied, not wanting to dissect the semantics of the question, as I have not lost weight but just made the same weight look better. I still know where the weight is.

"Oh, the gym. Never cared for that." Scornfully, she walks away.

Why is she mad at me for going to the gym? Was it a compliment before she found out that I don't magically make fat disappear? And I can tell she doesn't like the gym because she gets winded waiting for the elevator.

Ok, so there's my proof that as snarky as we may be here, there are those on the other side that are very bitter about it.

Live nude girl

2007-04-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

I think of a young lady at my gym as "my anorexic girl." I have talked to her, I have talked to my mom about her, I see her frequently. I am concerned about her health. I've even asked the gym people if they have a defibrillator, because this girl's hear is going to short out. It's sad. But aside from being anorectic, she is also very, very strange. My mom told me this story recently.

She was at the gym and saw my anorexic girl in the locker room. "Was she doing her stretches?" I interrupted. Yes, she was. She was topless and stretching at the mirrors in the locker room. There are two areas she frequents -- one just has a mirror and a counter with blowdryers and such on it. The other has sinks as well. She stretches with one foot up on the counter. Now, I'm not crazy about people's bare feet being on counters I might touch to begin with, but to make this all even less appealing, she does it topless. Barefoot, topless, anorexic, and stretching on a public counter. So mom mentions that she thinks my anorexic girl also has fake boobs. "They looked like someone had glued softballs to the front of her!" I actually saw her again tonight and I'm not 100% sure I agree. She doesn't have ANY body fat, so I don't know how she still has boobs, but they're more of a tennis ball anyway. Well, apparently, she was in there the whole time my mom was doing her own stretches (on the mats on the floor, where all the normal people do them), and had been working out before during the whole time my mom worked out in the gym proper. Mom mentions the topless stretching, then says she went around the corner to her locker and was out of sight for maybe a minute at most. When she went to leave, the woman was still at the counter, still doing her stretches, and now had a shirt on... but had TAKEN HER SHORTS OFF. Yes, she was now naked from the waist down stretching barefoot on a public counter. Will the madness ever cease?

treadmills are hard

2007-04-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

A girl walks up to the treadmill right in front of my elliptical. She presses a few buttons, stares blankly, and moves to the adjacent treadmill where she does the same thing. She is exuding an air of "how do I make this work?" I watch as she does the exact same thing to 2 other treadmills (luckily it was a slow day). Not one of them has gotten her to actually exercise yet. I'm not sure if she just can't figure out the many buttons (i.e. "enter age / weight", "select workout", "quick start") or if she just wants to be able to say she tried using the treadmills but they didn't work.

She could've asked the staff, but she was satisfied to just give up. After her failed attempts at the treadmills, she retired to a bike where she casually pedaled and read her book for about an hour.

I just don't understand why these people join a gym.

the gym as public poop-house

2007-04-07T09:22:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned this before, but my gym locker room / bathroom is small. Small. There are 2 showers, 2 toilet stalls, 2 sinks, and the rest of the wall space is lockers. So why do people find it necessary to ... dispose of their solid waste here? I understand that sometimes it just can't wait, but yesterday was the second time my poor nose was witness to poop incident. Unlike last time, however, this was solid poop. The stink hit my nose as soon as I walked in. It almost knocked me down. I could hear her straining. There were a few courtesy flushes. They did not help. Someone else walked in too pee (!) and I saw her nose crinkle the way I know my own did. But she could tell that I was not the Stinky Bitch.* The stall girl finished up, but did not leave until (I'm assuming) everyone else - me - was out of the room. Good for her, but I was a little light-headed from holding my breath while I changed back into Street des.

ps - the basket of goodies on the counter includes things girls might need, like shampoo, shower gel, tampons, baby powder, spray deodorant, lotion, and - get this - air deodorizer. Please make use of these things.

* I'm not saying the girl in the stall was also bitchy, that's just what I say when someone (including myself) offends my nose.

too hot (sing it!)

2007-04-04T08:46:00.000-05:00

Now that this thing called the "sun" has re-appeared, I notice that my gym needs an AC system, quick. In the afternoons, when I'm there, the sun shines directly into the corner 2 window / walls, directly onto the cardio equipment. Now I know why one of the windows is frosted. But it still sucks to do cardio. Or weights.

Lucky for me, the other people that work out there realize the importance of deodorant and wiping down the equipment.

Claiming To Be A Sponsor

2007-03-27T22:16:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I looked up the pool schedule and then called the front desk at the Y to double check. I don't want to claim that the website had a credibility problem, but the schedule had a note saying that the winter 2007 childwatch schedule will be posted soon. Plus, they always have 4pm-5pm blocked off on Sundays for birthday parties, but if no one has booked the pool they allow lap swim. The guy at the front desk told me that there was indeed a party, but after 5pm all 6 lanes would be open. I was surprised because according to their schedule, 3 of the lanes were supposed to be reserved for the Special Olympics. I should have remembered that the front desk appears to use a random answer generator to respond to questions.

As soon as I got the Y, I glanced at the pool and thought it looked awfully crowded for a birthday party that had allegedly just ended. When I walked out on deck I saw that the Special Olympics was indeed using 3 of the lanes like the schedule indicated. Surprisingly enough the schedule on the website had been accurate! Must have been a coincidence.

However, the last three lanes were blocked off by a horizontal rope, and no one appeared to be using them. Well, there's just no way that I'm going to complain about the Special Olympics using the pool (although I think the dude at the front desk should have been able to tell me that they were going to be using 3 lanes), so I thought I would just soak in the hot tub for 5 minutes and then go home. Another woman came into the hot tub and expressed similar thoughts. Shortly after that an elderly lady came out and walked right up to the teenage lifeguard and demanded to know what was going on with the unused lanes. At that point the lifeguard admitted that he had forgotten to set up the line lanes. It looked like everything was going to be peachy keen, and we all started swimming. Except for one thing: I think the front desk genius must have switched answers, and begun telling people that family swim was happening. Or maybe they changed the website. Either way, all of a sudden there were a ton of kids in the three lap swim lanes.

I think we were all getting a little bit frustrated, and when the 4th child, who was wearing a bikini, a ton of makeup and jewelry, tried to get into our lane, the hot tub lady very bluntly asked her if she knew how to circle swim. She said no and scurried off. However, that still left 3 other kids (I'm talking about 6-7 years old) in our lane struggling to get across the pool. The hot tub lady got frustrated and left. I realized that I wasn't going to get a meaningful workout and decided to just use the kickboard. This gave me a good opportunity to see what was going on.

There was people jammed packed into the Special Olympics lanes. I mean to the point at which it was really hard for people to swim because there wasn't any space. Furthermore, the signs on the lanes said lap swim so there were other lap swimmers standing over the Special Olympic lanes so they could try and jump in when people left without realizing that the lanes weren't available. The whole thing made me incredibly angry. I know that pretty soon I'll see signs hanging up at the Y saying how they are sponsors of the Special Olympics. Here's a thought: if you're going to be a sponsor, why not just give the Special Olympics all 6 lanes? You could either close the pool for that time or you could keep the pool open an hour later (since it normally closes 3 hours earlier on Sundays). Yes, I know there's cost for the Y either way, but isn't that what a sponsor is supposed to do? The idea is to treat the Olympians with respect, not crowd them like sardines.

As for bikini girl, she snuck in after hot tub lady left and proceeded to do handstands in the middle of the lane right by the lifeguard. Of course when I questioned the new definition of lap swim, the lifeguard was quick to explain how lap swim worked to the bikini girl. Not surprisingly she immediately left.

Showery Excitement

2007-03-20T16:14:00.001-05:00

I had a hard and great workout today and couldn't wait to hit the showers. Hot water pounding on my shoulders then sliding down my salty skin is reward. My body cools when I strip, the skin getting goose-pimply as a walk over the slick tiled floors. The shower warms me and wipes me clean.

The work I've done in the gym that day sinks into the muscles and becomes the result that shows the rest of the day when I'm showering. Hot water as annealer.

I quickly stripped of my soaking wet t-shirt and shorts, tore off the sock and threw the entire pile of sopping clothing into my locker. The towel I packed had dried on the line, so it was scratchy and rough. A just reward for a job hard-won.

As I chose a shower stall, I turned and saw an older woman lying on the floor in the stall across from me. Everyone else ignored her; she was soapy but unable to get up. Naked and completely vulnerable. She just needed a little help but wisely insisted on management coming to help. And here's the weak point in the gym's design: there is no communication line between the locker room and the front desk.

I walked through the locker room yelling: is anybody dressed?? Anybody??

Nope.

So I pulled my sopping wet t-shirt and soggy wet shorts back on (sans undies, this was an emergency), walked up the stairs and through the gym to get her help. Fortunately, two female employees were quickly summoned to provide assistance.

Back. Clothes back in the locker; me back in the shower stall. Corporate girls talking to our fallen lady. She has no explanation for how she fell, but it's a shower room.

Do you know about the simple one minute stroke test? Neither did the employees. Frequently when someone falls down with no reasonable explanation, this test will show that the person has had a stroke. Quickly. Easily. Before they try to get up. So I guided the trainer through the 3 questions, then witnessed as she continued checking that the woman hadn't injured herself in her fall. Fortunately, all signs were negative and the woman was assisted to her locker, dressed and escorted safely and happily from the gym. Nobody asked for ID as a witness in the accident, so I hope it's history all around.

And I? I decided that the miracle of the shower was not to be part of my life today. I quickly washed the sweat away, pulled on dry clothes and put the work behind me.