Thursday, December 28, 2006
The other pair also do everything together. They lift weights at the same time, they do cardio at the same time. They wear tiny tanktops (akin to back-muscle thongs) at the same time. They need to go get a back wax at the same time. And a chest wax. And an arm wax.
Thank goodness the pairs weren't combined.
After the swim lesson was over, we hurried in to stake our claim on a changing room and then proceeded to put on our shoes and socks on the bench in the middle of the locker room . As I was ranking the smell of pee(about an 8) and the smell of mildew (about a 6), I noticed a couple of new smells in the room: ham sandwich and coffee. Who the fuck would eat a ham sandwich and coffee in a family locker room? I turned around to see a guy strut past me and go over to what looked like his grown up kids and their children, who were in the middle of getting dressed. He began talking while simultaneously eating his sandwich and sipping his coffee. That just grossed me out for so many reasons. It also made me really mad. It was fucking crowded in there! The last thing you need in a crowded space is more people that don't need to be there. There was a dad in a sopping wet swim suit standing next to the ham sandwich eater shivering and dripping water on him because it was so damn crowded. Apparently the many tables at the Y were not good enough (do I dare say clean enough) for the sandwich eater.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Anyway, until the temporary gym opens on Thursday around the corner from the old one (which was across the street from me), I will be using a gym that is about a mile away. I went tonight for the first time and found it very pleasant. One thing that was particularly good about it was the air ciruclation, which was lacking in my regular gym.
However, not long after I began using a treadmill and watching "Jeopardy!," a guy stepped onto the treaddmill in the row in front of me. Normally this is not a problem. Except that this guy was about 7 feet tall and completely blocked my view of Alex as he sneered at contestants' wrong answers. Fie! After 15 minutes of running, I got a side cramp and had to move on anyway, so I chose an eliptical machine by another TV that was airing "Jeopardy!" By then, the hsow was almost over, and I eagerly anticipated the brainless fun of "Wheel of Fortune." (Pat Sajak is such a twerp with his fake home-spun "I'm just like you" attitude. No, you are a mutlimillionaire Republican. Yeesh.) I was enjoying the Wheel and had about 5 minutes to go in my workout when someone randomly changed the channel to Fox News. NOOOOOO!!!
Nothing pisses me off more than people who change the channel without checking with the people who are already there. I was ready to say some nasty shit to whoever subjected me to the brainless-but-NOT-fun Fox News, also featuring Republican multimillionaires who pretend to be like average people but clearly are not, but no one ever showed up to watch it. Fucking people.
Monday, December 18, 2006
I'm that chick in the old punk rock t shirts (with the ever present colored hair). I'm the one who seems to be expending too much energy on the cardio equipment because she is also dancing. Subsequently, I'm also the girl laughing to herself because she's listening to dance music on her headphones. And dancing to it.
You'll see me doing other things besides cardio. I'm the girl using the weight machines. My hair isn't perfect, my clothes don't show off my tight butt or my perfect abs. My clothes don't even match. (Pink velcro sneakers? Yes!)
But I'm that chick getting a better workout than you, and having a better time doing it.
Problem I have, is that she spent the whole hour (+/-) walking. Walking. Not running, not jogging, not lunging. Walking.
Now girl, this is New York City. You have to walk places. Why pay $600 to come walk in a gym? I know it's cool to be in the window where it feels like you're walking over traffic, but you could save your money and go down and actually walk in traffic. Also I know that your hair & outfit are perfect, but guess what? More people will be impressed by it when you are out on the street walking. The 10 of us in the gym don't care what you're wearing. We just know that you're spending a lot of money to walk.
Give me your $600. You go walk in a park.
While I was huffing and puffing on the treadmill at the gym this morning, a sylph sauntered by me. Like many women at my gym, she had incredible toned abs and wore tight cotton low rise pants to show them off. Also like many women at my gym, merely showing off her midsection through low rise pants was not good enough.
Nope, she rolled down the band of her pants further so that I could admire her pelvic bones as they jutted out at angles below her miniscule waist. They were so sharp I wondered if she could cut a turkey with them. Looking at her made me hungry for many reasons, particularly as I thought about sliced deli meat. Yum.
- I don't want OS to be cold
- Someone else's little one is undoubtedly shivering with their shivering parent and waiting for a changing room
- I want to get the hell out of there
First of all, why weren't they in the boys locker room? Second, why was the dad there? Third, why the hell would anyone want to be in the family locker room unless they had to be? I mean I have a tendency to try and sneak OS into the girls locker room when the family locker room is just way too crowded (or way too smelly), but don't tell the management that.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
One day after exiting the showers at the gym I observed another guy, in street clothes sitting on the bench within the same row that my locker was. The locker rooms are equipped with televisions that were displaying some sporting event that I had no interest in. The guy was intently watching the television. While getting dressed I noticed that he began to pull out bread, peanut butter, and jelly from a plastic bag that was next to him. He laid the bread directly on the bench while he prepared his sandwhich. I though how that bench has probably seen more asses than the actually toliets at the gym. I was truly grossed out, so much that I almost asked the guy what the hell are you doing? Instead I said nothing while the guy enjoyed his peanut butter, jelly, and staff infection sandwhich.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Yesterday I started the Great Holiday Diet. This involves actually eating healthy foods and, horror of horrors, going to the gym at least 4 times a week. The problem is, I am usually totally bored and unable to push myself at the gym. So really, the best way for me to work out is to attend a class. Problem is, most classes at my gym are designed to sculpt and tone, and I really need to do more cardio.
So, I get to the gym prepared mentally to run on the treadmill for 30 minutes, when I notice a large group of people standing outside the doors to the class studio. I asked the woman at the front desk what class was about to happen and she told me it was Nia, a combination of dance, yoga and flexibility training. She also told me it was one of the most popular classes at the gym, although this was especially crowded because the founder of the Nia movement was going to be teaching the class. I heard dance and flexibility and joined the class.
Now, there should have been some warning signs, if I had been paying attention. First, I hate Yoga. I was once kicked out of a Yoga class for giggling at the woman next to me. But really, she was making sex noises (this of that famous scene in when Harry met Sally and you will get the idea) and I couldn’t stop laughing. Apparently, there is something wrong with my Chi and I was asked to leave. Second, when I walked in, I had to remove my shoes and socks. This is always a sure sign I will hate a class because if you are the kind of person who does not care how dirty the JCC gym floor is and are willing to walk without even socks, we clearly have nothing in common. Finally, when I walked in, people were making odd sweeping motions with their hands, although at the time, I thought they were merely, stretching. Ha!
The class starts and its all this weird stretching, but I figure its just the warm up, right? Wrong! The instructor keeps telling everyone to yell out “Yes” when performing specific movements because, “when you say yes, all your neurons say ‘yes’ with you.” Then she had us “shake our tails because shaking the tail makes you smarter.” The movements were ridiculous and if my heart rate went up at all, I would be surprised. The worst part was, people were really into it and yelling out things like “Yes” and “I love my body” and “Peace” randomly through class. It was like watching evangelicals during a revival. People even danced around trying to hug others.
At the end of seemingly endless hour, we were told to give ourselves “self-hugs” and yell out what we gained from class. People started yelling things like “confidence”, “trust”, and “empowerment.” All I could come up with was the knowledge that everyone else in the class was an idiot.
The People Under the Stairmasters is here to capture the horror and humor of working out. We hope to make you laugh, cry, and cringe. Not in the typical mocking-overweight-people way; that shit's not funny. No, this is more about that woman reeking of desperation who ties up her shirt to show off her abs and then asks every man at the gym to show her how to use various weights. Or the guy with the muscles who doesn't wipe his sweaty ass prints off the mat in the stretching area. Or the woman who thinks she is Jane Fonda.
A gym membership can bring more than the benefits of health! It can provide hours of entertainment. Join us and experience the gym through the mocking eyes of The People Under the Stairmasters.